Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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