Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Randomize
