Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
