Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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