Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
