Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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