so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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