So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I need to align my fucking chakras
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
