My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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