They should really pass out barf bags in church
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
