what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
