the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
