The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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