Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
