I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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