I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he wants to bone in the snuggie
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize
