I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
