you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
