It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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