Just fell off a train. Bad.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
