Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
