So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
