and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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