if only i could text you this smell
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
