"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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