I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
