that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
