I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
