I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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