Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
