where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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