dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
