I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
