My underwear smells like fireworks.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Shame - the story of my life.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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