he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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