She is in my trunk
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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