my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
BRING THE BAGELS
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
