A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
