Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
