He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
