I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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