you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
