Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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