I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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