we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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