I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
