Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
