I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
