So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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