So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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